“….there’s something about the night that makes living through the day worth the fight.”
. . . .
That’s the best “line” I can come up with, and believe me, I’ve thought about this a lot. There’s just something about the night that brings me to life…and I have no idea why. I live for the night, and that’s that. I find the night is when my mind is the clearest. It’s when I feel the most “awake” and alive. It’s when I feel the most creative and the least pressured. In fact, I think nine out of the ten blogs that I have written have been completed in the wee hours…of the night. I hope this writing isn’t too self indulgent but I wonder if I cherish the night because I could never find a place where I belonged in the daytime? Maybe some of you can relate? I did fine in school but I hated the time commitment. I had lots of friends and had lots of fun but I resented that I had to spend Monday to Friday from 730am-330pm in hot, stuffy classrooms. The days were SO long. Then I had to get on a bus and go home and do more school work? Fuck that! I really respected the kids that embraced school and excelled so much with their education. Maybe back then I didn’t live for the night, but I sure as Hell lived for after school. We played baseball, football, Atari. Not a lot of homework was completed to say the least. After high school I attended Sheridan College in Oakville, Ontario. The Sports Injury Management program was very difficult to get into, especially if you were right out of high school. They had applicants from all over Canada and most of them already had University degrees in Kinesiology or a similar discipline. But, they accepted four people out of high school and wasn’t I one of them? It was a huge game-changer for me. I just turned nineteen and was in a class full of 25–27 year olds. I learned so much about learning and partying, and not in that order! I excelled in this situation and was even a tie for Valedictorian which my great buddy Spike eventually won. I was so happy I didn’t have to give a speech!
So after graduating, came the REAL world. I was commuting by subway to College Park in Toronto everyday for around 19k per year. Weekends, evenings, you know the drill. I was selling braces for various injuries and casting people for custom knee braces etc. I enjoyed it but thank God I was still living at home because 19k per year did not pay for rent, let alone an engagement ring! After that I toiled in different jobs. Surviving the day. Feeling out of place in a grown up world. I was a good, polite worker, always trying my best, but if I ever got chastised for something…most times I would just leave. I guess it’s called having a thin skin, and so be it. I just can’t handle being talked to that way because I would NEVER speak to someone else that way. The more jobs I tried, the more I became convinced that that life was just not for me. I often felt stupid, panicked, depressed, useless, the list goes on.
So, What Then?
So enter music. Could this be where I belong? “No way Glenn, you’re not good enough”, my inner voice would say. My inner voice has always been and still is terrible to me and to this day, I still listen to it most of the time. But when it came to music, there was something telling me to tell that voice to shut the fuck up. Music was basically the only thing that fit into my criteria as a job. I could make my own hours. I could be home during the day, safe from the real world of cutthroat business. I could look after the house and our kids and I didn’t have someone telling me when I had to eat lunch, or when I could go home. Obviously I love music…but the fact that I could work on my own schedule and make all my own decisions is what really motivated me to pursue it. It’s still what motivates me. Honestly, I can’t seem to cope with anything else.
My wife has worked non-stop through our entire relationship. She is so smart and capable and multi-tasking. She is a machine. She is a breadwinner. She’s had miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy that damn near killed her and then given birth to two kids only 15 months apart. She’s also had an abusive boss that took a terrible toll on her confidence and overall mental health and still she marches forward. Lets face it, if Nat wasn’t in my life, I would have nothing. And that’s what makes music so hard to pursue for so many people. They don’t have the support system to really, fully commit to it. I did. I had a little resistance from family when they found out I was quitting a good paying job to stay home and be with our kids because let’s face it, it was not conventional. However, as the months rolled on, the benefits were easy to see from all sides.
My Current Situation
Night time is the write time. My writing space.
It’s 1:58am as I write this, and all is well. My wife is softly breathing in the bedroom behind me and our German Shepherd is laying on the floor beside me. Over the past couple of years, I have learned to accept my little place in the world. I’m happy in this place and it seems like people “out there” are also happy that I’m in this place, so I think I’ll just hang around for a little longer….